What a bastard.
I had not expected it to be as difficult as it was. It's like the world's worst homework. Ever.
First, the Y/N questions. "Do you finish what you start? (For example, conversations, chores, watching movies, reading books.) Y/N" "Are you able to leave the house? Y/N" "Do you prepare your own meals? Y/N"
HOW ABOUT "Y/N/SOMETIMES?" Radical notion.
Most of those questions came with a space for you to explain any "no" answers, so I put down "no," and explained the shit out of that. But some were just Y/N, and left sitting there on the page like an unburied cat poop.
That was just annoying, though. That wasn't really painful.
What was painful were the six lines they give you to answer "Explain how your condition affects you."
I told Bat_Cheva that I could do it in four words: "Fucks my shit up." But they want specifics. "Fucks my shit up on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. . . ." is not the sort of specifics they want.
Maybe for someone who is missing part of a leg or has no arms or is blind it is easy to describe how you are affected. At least the people looking over the application most likely have arms and legs and eyes and so on, and therefore no matter how stupid or non-empathic they are, must have at least a rudimentary idea of what those parts are used for and what it might be like to not have them.
With mental illness, not so much. Being crazy fucks up parts of your mind you didn't even know you had. Parts of your mind that lots of people don't even believe in. Like, all those "You can choose to be happy!" people who are all "You can look at the negative or the positive, so look at the positive, and everything will be fine!" and don't just apply it to themselves, but to you, too? Those people? They Do Not Get It. I can look at the positive all I want -- I do -- but when the problem is "I am frequently incapable of feeling happy, or even somewhat content," all the half-full glasses in the world won't do a damn thing to change that.
So you are left trying to describe the horrific thing that is devouring your life to someone who a) does not know you and therefore does not in any way care, b) is motivated to find reasons to reject you, and c) might not even understand that depression is a real thing that screws up even the most basic parts of your life.
Then there was the part where you have two lines to explain how your social life has changed since you became disabled, or describe what things you are no longer able to do that you used to be able to do, or the bit where it asks how often you are able to do things that normal people do every day and you have to admit that you are able to do them maybe a couple times a week, if it's a good week.
Or they part where they ask you to describe your typical day, and you do, and then you feel like a pathetic failure because it goes pretty much like this:
Get up. Brush teeth. Get reminded three times to take your fucking pills. Surf the internet. Wait for someone else to cook your goddamn food. Try to write something meaningful. Fail. Watch Youtube videos of explosions and bathtub farts. Try to make something pretty. Fail more often than not. Think about calling a friend. Decide that the phone is evil and should be avoided. Play video games. Think about doing some chores. Decide that you would rather give yourself a lobotomy with a rusty icepick. Watch a movie. Fall asleep halfway through. Answer some email. Pet the cat. Maybe take a shower. Go to bed. Get up, take pills you forgot to take. Go back to bed. Sleep badly. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Which, admittedly, describes a not-very-functional person's day, but you try writing that about yourself without feeling crappy about it.
It's not that I judge other people for being this way, or judge myself. It's that I hate that I -- or anyone -- must live with this. It's that it genuinely does suck, it sucks unbelievably, and having to describe it is so depressing. Especially when odds are good that they will look at this and somehow decide "Yeah, this person could totally go and get themselves a 40-hour job and support themselves without going completely off the deep end."
It doesn't help that my typical day during which I am supposedly disabled looks a whole fucking hell of a lot like most folks' days off. You know, excluding the failing at doing anything constrictive bit, and the part where I am crushingly depressed some days, and the bit where I can't cope with normal things like going three different places in one day or making food for myself or cleaning up the goddamn kitchen.
Frankly, most of my time involves sitting around desperately bored and wanting to do something else, and wishing like hell I felt like doing something else. And we are taught from a very young age that this is wrong. Not just an incorrect way of feeling, like giving the wrong answer to a simple question, but a moral failing. When you say "I wanted to go and paint and I tried and I couldn't," or "I wanted to write, but I couldn't," or "I wanted to get my room cleaned up, but I couldn't," people hear "I didn't want it enough."
Believe me. I want it. I want it so fucking bad. But we are taught that if we want something really badly, we can get it. You just have to want it enough. We aren't taught that sometimes, just wanting will not bridge the gap between desire and ability to execute that desire. We are not taught that we may have drives and desires and hopes and dreams that cannot be fulfilled. We aren't taught how to deal with that, not for ourselves, and not when we encounter it in others. And when people like me complain that we are not made for what we want to do, we are told we are spoiled, that we expect engraved invitations and silver platters, that we should be ashamed, and we should shut up and work harder. Or we are told that we should want something else, as if it is just that easy.
During the evaluation for the low-cost mental health care I'm in the process of getting, the trainee doing my intake survey asked me "What is your purpose in life? What is your goal, what do you want?"
I thought about it, and I told her that at one point I would have said "It's to be the best companion I can be, the best person, the best friend and partner. To be a good person. I am here to make the world a better place."
Then I explained that, fuck that shit, I want to be the best at doing the things that only I can do. I want to write the stories only I can write and make the art only I can make. As far as I am concerned, that is why I am here. That is what I have to offer that no other human being could possibly offer. Yes, I want to make the world a better place. I want to do it by expressing myself fully, not by trying to make other people happy.
I am a good companion, a good person. Not perfect, but pretty good. It's not what I'd call easy, and I am working within some limitations, but I can do it. I don't need to make it a goal. I am already there, and part of being there is that you never stop trying to be a better person. So, you know, I actually think I'm doing okay there.
I certainly don't need to make my value to other people as defined by what those people consider valuable part of my goal in life. If I did, I'd go back to starving myself. I'd have gone to college.
I only need to care about the things that make me valuable to me. And that is what is fucking murdering me by inches every day. Those things, the things that I love and which define me to me -- specifically, the writing -- are inaccessible. Gone. The things I care about most are out of my reach. The things that make me me are out of my reach. I am unable to be myself in the ways that mean the most to me.
THAT is the effect that this shit has had on my life.
That is what I cannot put into six lines or less, and what they probably would not care about even if I did, because all that matters to the government is whether I can Keep A Job, no matter how soulless. I'm so goddamn broken-down from not even being able to be myself, there is not a chance in hell I could Keep A Job, even a wonderful one. I can't even cope with scooping the goddamn cat litter, or washing my sheets. I can barely cope with having a set time to get up once a week. Twice a week is out of the question. How in the name of Zeus' butthole could I work 40 hours a week? I am not kidding when I say that even if I was working at the all-day kitten-snuggling and incredibly attractive Brazilian model grooming and obedience training day center, I still could not do it every day. That, my friends, is sad.
So I had to finish that seven-page travesty and turn it in, with all the weight of what cannot be expressed in a few short answers to a few inadequate questions pressing in on me, and all the things I cannot say suffocating me slowly, with the knowledge that it will most likely be denied. That my human pain will be weighed, measured, and found wanting.
But I still fucking did it.
I think I did a pretty good job, and I feel sort of like a rock star.
Mad props to Sargon, who also filled out the version of the quiz for the person who knows you best, which can't have been easy. But I can't write about that, because I didn't have to do it. If I get through this at all, it will be because of him.
X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:
This just happened: Gardner Dozois walked in front of me and said "Oh, look, birdie," and pointed to a sparrow that had landed on the mezzanine in the hotel.

I showed
I'm more than a little irritated that the one panel I wanted to attend took place at 3:00 Friday. What the fuck, programming?
I just watched a woman walk by me wearing giant wedge heels and with the worst posture and gait imaginable. I have no idea how she continues to move in a forward direction. Seriously. I can't imagine the state of her back. Or hips. Or knees. Jesus.
Anyway, what the fuck programming? I'm tempted to go to the Anne McCaffrey Memorial Panel, but it would probably just be frustrating because I seriously doubt there will be other snarkers there. Also, I'm friends with someone on the panel and he doesn't deserve my mean-spiritedness. I might go to the Costuming in Fandom panel. I'm here...I should go to one panel, and this one seems to be Relevant To My Interests. Interestingly, there is no Sunday panel for the Masquerade contestants, which is too bad. I like seeing some of the costumes laid out on the table, and being able to get a closer look at construction.
Someone else just walked by me, a guy, wearing a leather top hat, a blackwatch plaid kilt, a gorgeous tux jacket with tails, white socks and black suede loafer house shoes. OH SF PEOPLE.
It's been nearly two weeks since I made it to CrossFit, and my left hip is hurting pretty consistently again. Interesting, no?
These little sparrows in the hotel are adorable. I need some more coffee. Wonder how horrible the stuff in the consuite is. Probably pretty damn horrible.
The commandos herded the men into a school and the women and children into a church. The violence began before dawn. One of the soldiers, César Ibañez, heard the screams of girls begging for help. Several soldiers watched as Lt. César Adán Rosales Batres raped a girl in front of her family. Following their superior officer, other commandos started raping girls and women. ...
The commandos brought the villagers one by one to the center of the hamlet, near a dry well about 40 feet deep. Favio Pinzón Jerez, the squad's cook, and other soldiers reassured the captives that everything would be all right. They were going to be vaccinated. It was a routine health precaution, nothing to worry about.Commando Gilberto Jordán drew first blood. He carried a baby to the well and hurled it to its death. Jordán wept as he killed the infant. Yet he and another soldier, Manuel Pop Sun, kept throwing children down the well.The commandos blindfolded the adults and made them kneel, one at a time. They interrogated them about the rifles, aliases, guerrilla leaders. When the villagers protested that they knew nothing, soldiers hit them on the head with a metal sledgehammer. Then they threw them into the well. ... By the end of the afternoon, the well overflowed with corpses.
As with everyone who actually read multiple news sources at the time, I knew about this while it was going on. I linked, a couple of years ago, to the video for Bruce Cockburn's 1984 song and music video, "If I Had a Rocket Launcher:" this is what that article is about. And I knew it at the time. Bruce Cockburn was only one of hundreds of reporters and aid workers who had, for years by that point, been coming out of Guatemala, El Salvador, Peru, Honduras, Nicaragua and telling us that this, right here, is what Ronald Reagan's direct report subordinates, CIA director Casey and NSC director North, were doing there. More kept doing so, month by month and year after year, until well into the first Bush administration.
I was alive at the time. I was working and paying taxes at the time. I was working at a god damned defense contractor at the time, not one that was directly supplying material to the US backed death squads that were raping little girls and murdering nuns and stealing children to raise as pets, but still, I drew my salary at the time from a Reagan-era defense contractor. I paid some of the taxes that paid for this. I did this. It was done in my name, supposedly to keep me safe from Communism. I tried to stop it at the time. God's honest truth, I tried. It wasn't enough. Did I do enough? Do you think I did everything I could have done? Because I never will. I keep saying, not just about this but about a lot of things, that you can't be held morally responsible for something that you were physically incapable of doing. But there were things I thought of trying. And I didn't try them. They would have been risky things. They might well have cost me my life. They probably wouldn't have worked. But I'll never know if I could have stopped the man who murdered his entire village from keeping him as a trophy. All right? I can never know that.
But I know this: after the Iran/Contra scandal, when incoming President Bush had to pardon everybody involved for fear of how much more would come out if they were tried? I thought we were at least ashamed enough of what we'd done that we wouldn't do it again.
If you think that this shit isn't going on in Afghanistan and Pakistan and Yemen and god only knows where else that your tax dollars are being used to save you from Islamist terrorism? You're ignorant, at best. Are you doing everything you can to stop it? Are you sure you are? Or are there things you've thought of trying that you don't have the confidence or the bravery to try? Maybe they wouldn't work. But you're not trying them. Which means that when you are confronted, decades from now, with the memories of what you didn't do to stop the War on Terror, after Iraq and Afghanistan veterans came home and told you what was going on? When you remember, then, how powerless you feel now, but also remember that there are things you've thought of trying but don't have the guts or the faith to try right now? Decades from now, you'll understand, then, how I feel now.
- Mood:
depressed
In regard to my last two blog posts, I have a couple of things to add or clarify.
1. On Crowdfunding: Although my post was really about being a contributor to crowdfunded projects, and not a creator, I will say that I'm putting my money where my mouth is. I am so in favor of crowdfunding as a means to launch creative projects, and so certain that I'll be launching my own crowdfunded project in the next few months, I'm already consciously kicking "it" forward.
2. On Character Creation: It was not my intention to imply that people who like hours spent creating the perfect character were in the wrong. I just think that it's also valid to want to do it a different way. Most current games cater to people who love detailed character creation, and I think it would likely be a mistake to launch a game without doing so. I am interested, however, in exploring ways to do both--provide for in-depth chargen, and also provide for both low-intensity (simple) chargen and no-intensity (pregen) chargen.
I’m gonna street-play Folklife this weekend – and attend, too, particularly as weather changes. XD Say hi if you seem me! Also, this is the last weekend for the review raffle, so post a public review of Cracksman Betty and let me know!
Also, I signed up for ReverbNation. Who should I tell it I sound like? I’ve dropped a couple of bands but I need more.
ReverbNation is also making weird things happen where Facebook is telling me people are liking my activity there but not linking me over, but when I go there directly it’s not showing up there. I’ll figure out what that’s supposed to mean when I’m not so busy. If you’re doing stuff, where does it go?
Mirrored from Crime and the Blog of Evil. Come listen to our music!

Echoed via dw:ソ-ラ-バ-ド-のおん. comments at Dreamwidth.
- Mood:
confused - Music:It's Not My Birthday | They Might Be Giants
We just watched the latest (I think) episode of Legend of Korra, “The Aftermath.” I’m continuing to really enjoy this show for a number of reasons.
MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD
Pacing: One of the things that bugged me was the love triangle between Korra, Mako, and Asami. It felt, not necessarily cliche, but easy. It’s an oft-repeated trope, one that could push characters into more cardboard, stereotypical roles and — if other shows are any example — drag out for far too long.
Instead, Asami’s character quickly developed more depth and conflict. The plot moved along, changing her role in the story. The conflict between Korra and Asami progressed through conflict into understanding and sympathy. I loved the quiet moment at the end where Korra tells Mako, “She’s going to need you.”
I’ve seen that pacing elsewhere, and I appreciate that the show doesn’t seem to get bogged down. There’s always a sense of movement.
Lin Beifong continues to be awesome. In many ways, I think she’s my favorite character. Partly because she’s an older woman kicking all sorts of ass. Partly because she, more than anyone else I’ve seen, seems to take full advantage of her bending abilities. The firebenders throw fire. Earthbenders throw rocks. Beifong, on the other hand, manipulates metal cables like Spider-Man, grows blades from her armor to punch through mechs, and seems to push the “What else can I do with this?” angle.
Complexity: The scene with Tahno’s character really jumped out at me. This is a character who’s introduced as a full-on asshole. He’s arrogant, he cheats, and you really wanted Korra to kick his butt in the tournament. Instead, the White Falls Wolfbats won … and thus became the targets of an Equalist attack.
In the next episode, you see Tahno without his powers, and he’s utterly broken. Korra feels for him. She knows what he lost and how close she came to losing her own bending. It was a fairly short scene, but that’s all it took.
The relationship between Tenzin and Lin Beifong is another interesting example. Their history, the contrast of their apparent discomfort with how well they work together in a crisis … I have no idea where that’s going, but I like the dynamic, and at this point I’m trusting the show not to go somewhere overly cliche with it.
While there are certainly characters who seem flat-out Evil, at least at first, I appreciate that things generally aren’t presented in a simplistic black-and-white way. Neither people nor power are simple, and this show respects that fact.
The Animation: This is a very pretty show, particularly in the way it portrays movement and the grace of the different benders. I get done watching, and other cartoons suddenly seem clunkier.
Trusting the Viewers: I was trying to figure out how to phrase this last bit, and “trust” is the closest I can come. I’ve never seen a single episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender, but it hasn’t stopped me from enjoying Korra. It doesn’t surprise me that they wanted a show that could welcome new viewers as well as old, but it struck me that there just isn’t a lot of exposition or hand-holding, period. There’s no talking down, no assuming that things will be too complicated or difficult to understand. Elements are explained as they become relevant to the story.
I know there are things I’m missing from Avatar, but I can catch up on my own, and I like that they don’t slow down the story to spoon-feed information.
In Conclusion: Okay, I get it. I’m officially a fan, and I have added Avatar: TLA to my list of things to catch up on (when I find the time).
Mirrored from Jim C. Hines.
And look who's on eBay!
I'd really appreciate any signal boosting you wanted to do for this one.

I did decide to curl her hair! The uneven and kind of messy look is all right, I think, in the context of a wild rose pony. I am not 100% sure I prefer it to the straight hair, but I'm leaving it as it is. If the person who winds up with her reeeally wants to straighten it, they can do so, and I'll tell them how (not responsible for results, but it shouldn't hurt her).
( You SO need to see all of these pics. )

The silver around her eyes is so pretty.
So, I learned a lot from her, and I look forward to putting all that learning into play on my next pony.
And, again, because clearly I haven't linked it enough, eBay! Yes, bidding is starting high. There's actually fifteen dollars' worth of hair there all by itself. Not to mention the OMG hours of work. So bid freely!
Questions? Ask 'em!
X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:
- Location:Ponyville
- Mood:
accomplished - Music:Goldfrapp -- Tiptoe
Ever since I switched to blogspot as my main blogging headquarters last summer, I’ve been manually mirroring posts here to LJ. In an effort to pare annoying tasks from my morning routine, I’ll no longer be doing this. If you still want to read me on LJ (as opposed to the main site, or by following me on Twitter, Facebook, or Google+), I have set up an LJ feed of the blogspot content, which you can subscribe to here.
If you want me to notice your comments, please make them on any of the above platforms.
To make sure everyone who needs to see this announcement catches it, I’ll be repeating it periodically over the next week or so. Apologies in advance for the redundancy.
If you're in want of Avengers gifs or LJ icons, check out this thread on
Had an amusing interaction with
And people wonder why our odd little relationship works so well.
Dunno if the Sheraton has free WiFi, so I might not be online after 1:00 today. This possibility makes me kind of itchy, so I'll be bringing my netbook just in case.
Okay, time to wrap up Sherlock.
Thanks to recent “data”, I am sad to report that it is no longer permitted to talk about the following topics until all the other problems in the world have been completely solved, beginning with global poverty and ending with the fact that there is nowhere near my apartment to get Slurpees. I understand that this will be a difficult adjustment for many of you, and I sympathize, but “data”. Here is the list of embargoed discussions:
- Any complaints about the War on Christmas. This is not a thing. I promise, you can celebrate Christmas in any way you choose up to and including drinking three bottles of Old Overholt and puking yourself to death all over the local crèche. No one is taking your Christmas away. You can talk about Jesus until His surely imminent return and the law will do nothing to stop you. The cashier at Wal-Mart saying “happy holidays” is not a form of oppression.
- Similarly, no more talk about the Obama Administration taking your guns away. It’s just not going to happen. As long as you keep shoveling money at the NRA, and you will because you are an easily manipulated dunce, not even the tiniest little baby steps will be taken toward the slightest bit of firearms regulation. All you are doing by stockpiling ammo is helping put the children of Winchester executives through college. The government — or a Republican one, anyway — is more likely to take your Medicare and Social Security away than it is your guns. Just…just calm down.
- Complaints about being asked to press 1 for English. In fact, complaining about anything that “inconveniences” you for less than five seconds is forbidden from this point forward.
- Hand-wringing over the fact that there are now more ‘minority’ babies than there are white onesˆ. Look, honkies: the only reason you would need to worry about this is if you have consistently treated non-whites like shit for all of recorded history. And you haven’t done that, have you? You have? Oh. Well, in that case, there are two options for you: either stop reading this and get fucking so you can shore up the stockpile of Cadens, Makaylahs, Brysons, and Dakotas; or start treating the dark-skinned kids decently so they won’t want to put you up against a wall once they’re old enough to start buying the guns Obama didn’t get around to outlawing. I’ll leave it to you to decide which will be easier.
- How Muslims are taking over the country and will soon impose their evil Sharia law on us. This isn’t even remotely happening in Europe, where there are a lot more Muslims than there are here. Muslims, on the other hand, would be pretty justified in worrying that Americans are going to take over their country and impose their laws and standards, but let that one drift.
- The disgraceful manner in which everyone but you chooses to raise their children
- Decrying the death of pop music. Look, I understand. You’re old now. It took me by surprise, too, and there was nothing pleasant about it. But let’s not pretend that there’s been a cultural apocalypse that just happened to coincide with the appearance of your first gray hair.
- The defense of worthless garbage on the basis that you “don’t want to have to think about things” or that “you just want to turn your brain off for a while”. First of all, if there is one problem America most certainly does not suffer from, it is thinking too much about anything. Second, what do you do that your brain is so fucking taxed? Rough day down at the copy-editing factory? Lose a thumb entering numbers into that Access database, did we? The whole idea of the necessity of escapism is sheer bafflegab; as my friend Tom Block put it, “an escape from what? We live in Disneyland, for crying out loud.” If exercising your brain is causing you that much fucking grief, stick an ice pick in your earhole and be done with it.
- Saying that anything, especially the pointing out of obvious racism, is the new racism. No. It is not. Racism is the old racism, and is also the new racism, on account of its being racist.
- Defending the shitty behavior of anyone, but especially famous people, government officials, or huge corporations, by pointing out that “they didn’t do anything illegal”. When did we become a nation of unpaid trial lawyers? Unless someone’s paying me at least three figures an hour to do so, I’m not particularly interested in acting as a loophole detector for some million-dollar cretin. And for a country that is relentlessly and drearily moralistic about just about everything else, we seem to delight in doing free PR when it comes to letting rich people off the hook. It may come as a shock, but people like this literally make the laws, so explaining in a patronizing tone that some egregious misdeed that would shame anyone’s grandmother wasn’t technically against the law isn’t the dust-off-your-hands-and-walk-away defense that people seem to think it is.
That’s it for now. Carry on. Data!
Mirrored from LUDIC LIVE.
As an example last night finally had the opportunity to run a game of Ringworld, a very good Chaosium game based on the Larry Niven series. There was an excellent fan site a few years back, however said author gave up after the Niven's agent squashed a plan to publish a Known Space RPG. Damn character generation took all night tho'.
Last weekend there ALP State Conference and a meeting of the Isocracy Network. The former a primarily a policy conference, which meant that some delegate were less interested (which is tragic) in attendence. The urgency motion that I had put up regarding Timor-Leste documentation had somehow become misplaced and as a result wasn't discussed. I collared several responsible people over this and will continue to do so.
The Isocracy meeting went very well, although unfortunately a the UN Association of Victoria did not provide their planned speaker. Nevertheless, there was a wide-ranging discussion of the history of just wars, legal mechanisms such as the Geneva Convention, the definition of genocide, the rise of the International Criminal Court, and finally the Responsibility to Protect. We took an in principle support of RtP, recognising potential issues of implementation. We also decided to affiliate with the International Luxemburgist Network.
I am also considering the possibility that this is how we got REO Speedwagon.
Echoed via dw:ソ-ラ-バ-ド-のおん. comments at Dreamwidth.
- Mood:
silly
The day dawned gray and Englishy, like some sort of gray day in England.

This was the first day since leaving Los Angeles that we would stay in the same place for two days. I was very much looking forward to it. The whirlwind tour of Ireland and the UK was a delight, but also exhausting, and my dogs were barking. So when our hosts suggested we start the day with a rambling tour of the 700 acre farm and deer park, I was reluctant..until they showed us the 4x4 they roll around in. Then I was all "Oh yeah, that's how to do it." It's the 21st Century equivalent of taking the horses for a canter.
You know how you have this sort of idealized impression of the English countryside, half-formed from various sources like Downton Abbey, All Creatures Great and Small, everything Jane Austen ever wrote, and so forth? And you know how various medieval shows either try and make everything seem sparkling clean in a way that isn't believable for a medieval world, or they go the opposite extreme and make everything filthy and wretched? Well after spending the day rambling the English countryside, I feel like Jane Austen was right, it's all beautiful and sparkling and elegant.
We got the grand tour from our hosts, Peter and Alison, who are very involved with the management of their land. Alison even went to agricultural college after they bought the place, and Peter views it as his duty to be an involved steward of the land. He explained in great detail the interdependence of the wildlife there with the management of every aspect by humans.

I learned that foxes aren't cute if you're trying to raise chickens, that magpies aren't cute if you like any other kind of bird at all, and that hunting has become a vital part of population management for animals, and forestry crucial for healthy forests. We rambled all over the estate, pulling up to a gate, opening it and driving through, then closing it behind us. We saw an injured pheasant that tried rather unsuccessfully to hide.

If you look carefully, there's a red deer in this picture. The estate, "New Park" was named because it was the second of two deer parks on an older, noble estate where only the lord of the manor could hunt deer, and kept large preserves on which to do so.

We investigated badger workings, stopped for sweeping views on tall hills, and generally had a beautiful time learning a great deal from two people really passionate about their land.


We repaired to the house for a nice lunch, tea and beer. I mean, not together. Alison cooks on an aga, something I'd never seen before. It's basically a stove that is always hot, and lightning hot at that. Imagine that you put your furnace in your kitchen, and then put a couple of ovens in it, and a range top. That's an aga. It boils water in seconds, and is generally running at something like 700F, which is astonishing. It's reasonable in the cool climes of rural England. Here in Southern California it would be insane, and more's the pity.
After a relaxing lunch and long chat with the very voluble Peter, we also headed off to Corfe Castle. Corfe has been around for over a thousand years, and has been an important piece of military architecture ...until Oliver Cromwell decided he'd had enough, and blew it to pieces like Godzilla blowing out candles on a birthday cake.

We tried to take some more bookjacket photos, but it was extremely windy, and we never quite managed it, but clambering around the castle was interesting and fun.


There was also an old steam engine train that ran through the nearby town, which made for quite a picturesque scene.

After exploring the castle and the nearby town, we returned to New Park to rest for a while, and then get ready for dinner at the Royal Motor Yacht Club in Poole Harbour. Hanging on the wall was one of the club's foremost members - the very same Duke of Edinburgh who had stranded us on a traffic isle in Dublin while he and the Queen passed by. His Grace did not join us for dinner, which was a shame because I had a charcuterie plate of Serrano Ham as a starter, and pan seared duck breast for mains. It was fancy and delicious, and afterwards we watched the sunset over the harbour before returning to New Park.
I sat in the kitchen for a while chatting with Peter, who is a fascinating guy and has that English talent for agreeably disagreeing - making clear that his contention is with the issue, and not the man. I wish more people here had mastered that skill, as it allows for vigorous but enjoyable discussion of otherwise divisive issues.
For the first time, we went to sleep the same place we woke up!
- Mood:
accomplished
I can't believe this is real and yet it apparently is. HOW DOES IT WORK and yet it does. So terrible but also hilarious and awesome XD
Echoed via dw:ソ-ラ-バ-ド-のおん. comments at Dreamwidth.
- Mood:
lololol
Ever since I switched to blogspot as my main blogging headquarters last summer, I’ve been manually mirroring posts here to LJ. In an effort to pare annoying tasks from my morning routine, I’ll no longer be doing this. If you still want to read me on LJ (as opposed to the main site, or by following me on Twitter, Facebook, or Google+), I have set up an LJ feed of the blogspot content, which you can subscribe to here.
If you want me to notice your comments, please make them on any of the above platforms.
To make sure everyone who needs to see this announcement catches it, I’ll be repeating it over the next week or so. Apologies in advance for the redundancy.
Anxiety and mild "my series is over, what do I do now" depression aside, I sometimes look at my life and I'm just staggered by the unlikeliness of it all. I had a book come out on Tuesday. Tomorrow, I'm leaving for Disneyland with my mother, my sister, and my best friend. I have cats that can be charitably called large, and uncharitably called props from a horror movie. I have a movie option. I'm reprinting my fourth album, because it's almost sold out. I have some of the most amazing, interesting, articulate friends and fans and readers in the world. I have an agent who, frankly, could not be more perfect for me if I had been allowed to design my own agent in a lab.
Even the little details are too good to be true. There's an immensely popular line of fashion dolls modeled on famous monsters; Fringe got renewed; Doctor Who is back on the air; the X-Men are awesome again; James Gunn has a video game about a chainsaw-wielding blonde cheerleader who fights zombies with high kicks and snark. Basically, it's like the universe has been rearranging itself to suit my deepest desires, and if not everything is perfect, that's because too much perfection is unbelievable. The world is trying to add veracity to my dream.
This is why I don't like to sleep very much.
I'm too afraid of waking up.
- Mood:
thoughtful - Music:The Decemberists, "One Engine."
There is no http://textsfromstartrek.tumblr.com/
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE
Here are forty good questions to ask yourself or others, link courtesy
I encountered a small crisis last night with Sherlock. ...Um. Before I go on, do other costumers call their costumes by name? Or do you mostly refer to the item as an item rather than an entity? In other words, would you call the project "Sherlock," or would you call it "the Sherlock coat?" I think it's interesting that I have never named my cars (which seems to be a common thing in our culture), but I've always named my costume projects. Hm.
Anyway.
I encountered a small crisis last night with Sherlock. I don't know if it's a factor of the heavier weight of the wool (compared to the mock-up and prototype fabrics) or if something got tweaked in the final alteration, or if I was supposed to fix something and forgot, but something is wrong with the back length and the back waist hits me about an inch lower than it should. When I discovered this, it was 9:45 last night and I figured it was best to sleep on it and decide this morning if I would continue with the coat being a little oversized or if I was going to rip out the side seams, detach the back skirt, and attempt to shorten the back piece from the bottom.
There is always the chance that shortening a pattern piece from the edge will make things...wonky-fitting. It's why pattern pieces have a line about 1/3 to 1/2 way through the middle that says "lengthen or shorten here." I do have enough fabric to re-cut the back should absolute worst come to absolute worst.
I'm just a little mystified as to how it happened in the first place. It's got to be the weight of the back skirt. That fucker is massive. I just didn't realize it would pull the entire back down to that extent.
Of course, the good news of this is that
Welp, guess I should get to it. I can probably get the whole thing taken apart and (possibly) basted back together before I leave for my acupuncture appointment.
Update: Ha ha ha ha!!! Okay, maybe I should just dick around on the interwebs until after my acupuncture appointment. I just ripped out ten inches of the front princess seam instead of the side seam.
There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest. (Elie Wiesel)
I’m not especially familiar with the work of Scott Kurtz. Cursory investigation reveals that his webcomic, PvP, is quite successful, though, which may explain why his recent post regarding creator’s rights and the Avengers movie shows such a staggering lack of empathy and an inability to understand why anyone might seek redress for an injustice. This is America, after all, land of Steinbeck’s “temporarily embarrassed millionaires”, where everyone assumes that success is a birthright and that any protest against the powerful is nothing more than the hurling of a bunch of sour grapes. What is harder to understand is why Kurtz wraps his argument in robes of nobility and altruism, as if he is doing quite a wonderful thing by exhorting his readers to abandon the very notion of pointing out injustice. Every self-flattering moralist likes to dress himself up in a mantle of optimism and faith in the goodness of mankind, but Kurtz’s bewildering deployment of the concept of cynicism suggest that his biggest problem is not one of belief, but of simple comprehension.
Kurtz gets entangled in definitions right away, when he characterizes as “slacktivism” the notion that it would be a good thing for anyone who enjoys Avengers to donate the cost of a ticket to the Hero Initiative. ”Slacktivism”, as it is commonly understood, is the process of mounting a protest or sponsoring a social cause by doing something that costs nothing in terms of money or time, such as retweeting a feel-good statement or tinting your Facebook icon a meaningful color. Donating money to an organized charity, conversely, is just plain old activism, since it requires both action and expense. Perhaps Kurtz is angry at the Hero Initiative plan (started, by the way, by my good friend Calamity Jon Morris; you can read more about it here) because, benefitting as it does hundreds of comics creators in financial need, it blows a hole in his already-flaccid argument that this is all about Jack Kirby, who at any rate is too dead to enjoy it.
Kurtz really tries to push the unmade-by-anyone point that this is just about Jack Kirby getting credit for creating the Avengers, when it is, of course, about the fact that artists and writers for all Marvel books are routinely cheated out of money, credit and a decent degree of compensation for the success of the characters they helped shape. He does this, oddly enough, by displaying panels from the original Lee-Kirby Avengers and the Millar-Hitch Ultimates and asking the reader which more resembles the version of the team they saw on screen. This doesn’t make the profound point he seems to think it does; indeed, it’s hard to tell what point it’s intended to make at all. Baz Luhrmann stranding Romeo Montague in South Beach and equipping him with a silver-plated handgun does not stop the play from having been written by William Shakespeare; and, more to the point, Mark Millar and Bryan Hitch no more own those characters than Jack Kirby did, and will receive no more compensation from the film’s gargantuan profits than I will. (They may, indeed, someday find themselves in financial need, and will no doubt be met with sneers from Kurtz telling them they’ve got nothing coming.)
It only gets worse from here: once again mischaracterizing the argument of the compassionate defenders of creator’s rights that so infuriate him, Kurtz notes all the other people — Walt Simonson, Bob Layton, Jim Steranko — who helped define the characters we think of as Thor, Iron Man, and Nick Fury. This is fine so far as it goes, but no one is arguing that Kirby and Kirby alone be compensated for his work on the characters. Those of us who are repulsed by Marvel’s treatment of its writers and artists would be just as happy to see Simonson, Layton, and Steranko get a bigger slice of the pie as well, something that is in no way incompatible with the simple factual admission that the characters were originally created by Jack Kirby. His examples are somewhat bewildering on their face, as well; Steranko frequently feuded with Marvel, Simonson is a board member of the Hero Initiative, and Bob Layton has recently struggled in the indie comics field that Kurtz cites as evidence that creator’s rights is no longer an issue. All three are outspoken defenders of creator’s rights.
The attempt that follows to argue that creator’s rights issues are no longer worth our attention is beneath mention. Especially coming from a successful webcomics producer — one of the few — it smacks of successful women who spurn feminism, or bourgeoisie blacks who argue that racism is dead. The I-got-mine argument is essentially irrational and selfish, and ignores the greater shape of the industry in which everyone must work. Citing things like Kickstarter and the B&W comics movement of the 1980s is arguing that a minuscule portion of the overall business excuses the egregious abuses of the two companies that dominate the industry, and doesn’t even address the central issue, which is that Marvel’s creators still do not own their creations. Pretending that things are much better now is quite daring in light of recent developments; the case of Alan Moore and the “Before Watchmen” books alone should argue that the multi-million-dollar corporations that control the vast majority of paying comics work are in no way ready to give up one inch of their control of the material that fattens their bottom line to the people who make it.
Now that he’s really wound up, Kurtz ends his nonsensical tirade by really going for the gusto: ”It’s not as simple as ‘Give Jack’s estate some money, Marvel. You can afford it.’ That’s not pragmatic thinking. That’s cynicism. And I’m so tired of the cynicism.” Actually, it is as simple as that — that is the very definition of pragmatic. Take a small amount of money you don’t need to correct an injustice that was all your fault; you score a huge public relations coup that will buy you enough goodwill to weather the next 20 years of screwing your employees, while still coming out hundreds of millions of dollars ahead. It’s as practical as can be.
As far as the line about cynicism, I’m frankly flabbergasted. Supporters of the Hero Initiative and creator’s rights advocates are attempting to get comics fans to donate money to the creators of the books they love, to compensate for how they they were routinely underpaid, overworked, and cheated out of the financial gain their bosses got from their hard work. Kurtz, meanwhile, is arguing that it doesn’t matter who got screwed, because things are better now probably, and besides who cares, the Avengers movie was awesome, so everybody shut up about who screwed who. And we’re the ones being cynical? What we’re asking for has nothing to do with cynicism. It has everything to do with justice, or at the very least decency, which are the opposite of cynicism. Cynicism is saying what Kurtz says: this has always happened, it will always happen, we can’t do anything about it anyway, let’s all shut up and pretend it’s fixed and move on. That is precisely cynicism.
Having thoroughly ensured that the boots of people he doesn’t even work for are well and truly spittled, Kurtz ends his flailing around by telling us who the real villains are: internet commenters. (As Calamity Jon pointed out, this is a man who calls it childish to define the Marvel vs. Kirby feud in terms of good guys and bad guys, but he ends his essay by comparing people who disagree with him to a comic book supervillain.) People who want Kirby and other creators to get what’s due them aren’t decent people looking for justice; they’re “worms” trying to “make themselves feel powerful”. (Never mind that virtually all the power in this scenario is held by wealthy corporate executives, as it pretty much always is.) The real bad guys aren’t big business shot-callers or billion-dollar movie studios, it’s internet cowards “getting in a good dig” because they never had the courage to create anything themselves. (Never mind that hundreds of the people supporting Kirby and the creator’s rights movement in general are themselves comic creators, making the quite rational decision that if they don’t stand up for creator’s rights for others, no one will bother to stand up for them.) Scott Kurtz bases his whole argument on the idea that he is trying to break free from a hurtful cynicism; but there is nothing fresh, new and optimistic about defending the bosses when they try to step on their workers for the millionth time. He may think he’s letting sunshine into the room by telling us all to stop living in the past and just take what we’re given, but the real cynics — the big shots his argument will ultimately benefit — have heard this song before; because they’re the ones who wrote it.
Mirrored from LUDIC LIVE.
It took me a long, long time to sort of own up to it. It's a hard thing to admit, actually. But I hate character creation in rpgs.
I'm not a big fan of origin tales and the beginnings of stories anyway. I like to get right into the action. So I guess it shouldn't have surprised me that I was predisposed to dislike character creation. But there are other, more concrete reasons I don't like it, at least the way it is traditionally handled.
1. I don't like making decisions based on nothing. I don't like deciding that my character is this great diplomat before I even get a chance to see what the adventure or campaign is going to be like. Maybe it would have been better to devote myself to arcane knowledge or trapmaking. I don't know yet. And it's frustrating to have to decide ahead of time. It's like when someone invites you to one of those formal dinners where you have to choose from three entres ahead of time. I don't know what I'm going to want to eat some night four months from now. Similarly, I don't know what kinds of things I'm going to want to be doing three sessions from now. Or ten. Or whatever.
2. I don't like spending a lot of time making a lot of decisions at once. I remember, once, in a 3rd Edition game I was running, I introduced a new player to the game. After a lot of careful consideration, she decided she would play an elf rogue. At that point, I could tell that she felt like she was mostly done. So I could really feel her pain as I watched her face take on a look of horror as another player slid a pile of books, full of choices, at her. To the experienced player, the decision to be an elf rogue simply keyed to a number (dozens, really) of other choices she could now make. But she had thought she was mostly done. (I took her aside later, and advised her to ignore all those optional books and whatnot, and we made the character creation process as painless as possible.)
3. I don't like spending a lot of time on decisions that have little importance. It's kind of crazy, if you think about it, that the decision that my newbie friend had already made--race and class--were the "easy" choices, and then she had to go through and make a bunch of "harder" choices--skills, feats, weapon selection--that ultimately would affect her character a lot less. In other words, the choices that would define her most clearly were the ones that took the least time, and the ones that only barely mattered (should I put 2 points or 3 points into Move Silently) were far more laborious.
That's why any game I create from here on out will, if at all possible, feature the following:
1. Lots of pregenerated characters. When I got started in the rpg field twenty plus years ago, it was common wisdom that "real" gamers wanted to make their own charactesr, and thus hated pregens. Pretty much the only games that offered them were games for brand new players. It's sadly taken me a long time to shake that preconception. But I'm a real gamer, and I love pregens. If you're throwing together a new game this Friday, I'd much rather sit down with a stack of pregens to choose from than pull out my dice and a stack of books to create my own. Pretty much every time. If I don't know the system, this makes things go much faster. And if I do, even better because I then likely know how to make a couple of minor tweaks to the character to make it my own. Does this make me less creative? I don't think so. What it really means is, I get my joy from the game in different ways. It also means that I have created a gazillion characters over the years, and I don't need to have the experience of creating a haughty, scholarly guy (or any other cliche) or a sneaky dwarf (or any other goes-against-the-stereotype guy), or the paladin with a drinking problem (or any other character with "issues"). Those are all great characters, and I'd happily play any of them, but I've created them all already, so I don't need to do it again. Ideally, these characters would be either right in the core rulebook or available as free downloads.
2. Fast character generation options. There's great research out there that discusses how many choices people are comfortable with in a given situation, and the numbers are much smaller than pretty much any "mainstream" game's character gen system. I want to create a game where you can make three or four important decisions and have a cool character ready to go. Ideally, it would be configurable enough so that the people who do want a bazillion options, and want to tinker with every tiny aspect of their character can do so as well. And everyone in between can be happy too. To make this work properly, the affect of the choice should always be commensurate with the time and mental energy required to make it. In other words, if deciding between wookiee and blogon really is going to affect your character forever, there should be a lot to that choice. If the decision between the 4.5 crescent wrench and the 5.5 crescent wrench is not going to matter, then there shouldn't probably be a whole crescent wrench subsystem in the game.
3. Choices that are not entirely front loaded. A lot of people want to be able to shape their whole character to fit their character concept right out of the gate, I get that. But others don't want to have to make decisions way ahead of time. In real life, and even in (good) fiction, people change over time. They develop. I'd like to create a game that embraced that idea. Where not all your character defining choices had to be made before the first adventure even started. (When I was a kid, I had a friend who refused to name his character until he had played for a while, to get a "feel" for him. That's a bit silly and extreme, but the sentiment means a lot to me.) This would mean, potentially, that the game would grow as the characters grew. There might be rules that didn't come into play at the beginning of the game. Imagine (just as an example) a game where political affiliation--monarchist, populist, or anarchist--actually affected your character abilities. Now imagine that the game was set up so that you didn't have to make that choice until you'd played three or four sessions. The issues just wouldn't come up until then. Then, after you've got to know your character, you are presented with those choices, right when they are going to affect the flow of the game. That might be kind of cool, and possibly quite preferable to having to make those choices at the beginning, based on little or no information.
Sure, there are games out there that go down these avenues already. But I think there's room for further exploration.
- Music:MGMT: Oracular Spectacular
It sucks, very much bad. This is the second one this year, so now I'm starting to worry.
I have eyedrops and I'm resting. This might prevent my trip this weekend. It's already cost me a day of work.
Not fun.
We woke at the Piries and had a buffet cooked breakfast. Sadly this would did not include haggis, I don't think. Something that morning had me full of some kind of beans though, because I wrote in my little field journal:
"Went ashore. Received VC.
Breakfast at Piries."
If you're a history nerd that's rather droll, albeit wildly hyperbolic. Well, except for the breakfast, that I really did have. In fact, this was to be me very last proper cooked breakfast in the UK, though I didn't know it at the time. I have waxed nostalgic here about these wonderful breakfasts, and not without good reason. A good hearty breakfast is a joy throughout the day, and while I love an American style plate of bacon and eggs with toast, juice, coffee and potatoes, the UK cooked breakfast is also a thing of beauty. Fried tomato and mushrooms, egg, toast fried bread or crumpet, swhite and black pudding, possibly haggis (in Scotland), ham or bacon. Bacon! Bacon which is not streaky bacon like here in America, but more akin to Canadian style back-bacon. Here our bacon is belly bacon, which is fatty and delicious and I must say my favorite - but back bacon is healthier and yet still pleasantly salty and succulent. Breakfast in the UK is a wonderful thing.
After breakfast, we had a short day before we were due to fly out from Edinburgh to Gatwick to visit some friends of the Nybys. Their home is near Poole, England, and when making our initial travel plans we expected to take a train from London to Poole for the visit. There was some difficulty getting our schedules straight, and so Richard and Alison told us "Don't be ridiculous, our man Duncan will pick you up." As is implied in their message, they are uh...somewhat well-to-do would be an understatement. I found the prospect of being picked up by Our Man Duncan delightful, and imputed to him all sorts of powers both profound and trivial. Whenever in our journey we'd have some difficulty, I would say, "Our Man Duncan would straighten this right out!" As the journeyed continued his powers and legend grew, at least in my mind.
Anyway, we tried to go to some museums in Edinburgh, but every one we checked was closed, either for renovations or because ...I don't know, Scotland is weird about Fridays? We tried the National Gallery of Portraits and a couple others, but were either too early or they were closed.
Our last destination in Scotland before departing was Rosslyn Chapel, which has been famous amongst conspiracy theorists and grail-hunters for many years before being popularized in "The DaVinci Code." It is much smaller than I expected, and the whole thing is at present housed under a big canopy roof. Its interior is absolutely encrusted with a wealth of artistic details in stone, but age has not been kind to it. Some time in the past, an attempt at renovation was made that included sealing all the stonework in a sort of concrete crust. This turned out to be disastrous, as it was water seeping into the stone that causing the damage, and the coating sealed the moisture in and promoting the growth of mold. So this canopy was erected, which keeps the rather constant Scottish rain off the building and will allow it over several decades to finally dry out.
The chapel was created in 1446 by the St. Clair family, who have remained its sole private owners since then. There are a thousand legends about the chapel, which has remarkable architecture and interior details that are flatly amazing. Included is what appears to be a massive masonic code (which is to say, made of masonry, and maybe or maybe not also Masonic...) in the form of cubes with different facings. To date, either no one knows what they mean, or if they do, no one has come forth to explain it. There are dozens of other mysteries and stories. Among other things, the crypt beneath the sacristy was sealed a long, long time ago and has remained sealed at the family's request, despite many attempts by scholars and the government to discover what is sealed up inside it. There are many Masonic links to the chapel, and one popular theory is that the St. Clair family protected the treasure of the Knights Templar after they were suppressed and the order's treasure was spirited out of France.

We were only able to take a couple of pictures, as the exterior is the only place where photography is permitted. The grounds were thick with not just punters, but obviously eccentric Seekers After Legends, like for instance a thick-set German with an incredibly bushy beard who had a VHS video camera set up on a tripod, into which he was muttering a low, constant stream of what I can only imagine was observations on the esoteric secrets of the chapel.

No pictures were allowed in the interior, but the tour was fascinating. Some of the more interesting mysteries to me were the many Green Men in the chapel, despite it being a Catholic church; the presence of clearly depicted maize/corn hundreds of years before it was brought back to Europe and cultivated there and well before any European had set foot in the New World, and of course - what's in the crypt? I favor the treasure-of-the-Templars theory, though the Holy Grail, the head of Jesus Christ/John the Baptist and ...just dead Scottish people.
After the tour, and picking up a candle pillar that was a replica of the Apprentice's Pillar, we found lunch in the village of Rosslyn. There was a little cozy inn called the Grail Restaurant, where we found two club chairs by the fire. I had a Bellhaven Ale and a panini of bacon and brie.
After this we returned our car at the airport in Edinburgh and readied ourselves to fly to London, Gatwick. We had by this time acquired so much scotch and other souvenirs from our visit that we had needed to acquire a backpack at a sporting goods store in Castle Douglas, which we filled with all the goods, as well as another large cardboard box. We had intended to just ship that back home, but the cost was exorbitant, almost two hundred pounds! So we lugged it along. Also at the airport I saw the only men in Scotland I actually witnessed wearing kilts, though I suspect they were vacationing Canadians or Americans.
After our fairly short flight, we landed in London, retrieved our dunnage, and were at last met by Our Man Duncan!

On the fairly long car ride out to Lytchett-Matravers, where Peter and Alison live, Duncan kept up an amiable stream of chatter cluing us in to various aspects of local history, culture, and his personal story. Alas, he didn't seem to have any magical powers of Making Things Happen, but he did laugh readily and well, and expressed his desire to emigrate to America and open his own business. It is a mark of how dumb our immigration policy is that despite having a business plan, money in the bank and the ability to immediately hire 12 people, he was refused. Listen up government - we were THIS close to having Our Man Duncan here in the States!
We arrived at Peter and Alison's enormous 700 acre farm and estate called New Park.

This picture not withstanding, it was pretty late at night. One thing that wrong-footed me pretty consistently, and especially in Scotland, was how late the sun was up and how early it rises in the Summer. Local sunset was at nearly 10pm and rise at just after 4AM. Anyway, we were bushed so after a drink and a little chat with our hosts, we went to bed in their guest room.
- Mood:
accomplished


